Becoming a Classical Musician

I have a secret to share: I have always felt like a horrible classical musician. I don't say that to bash myself but I always felt that way at school. I never seemed to love the "classical scene" enough, it seemed like everyone knew more than me from opera to orchestra to new music. I felt inadequate and while I'm sure it's a classic example of "you feel alone but you're not", it still has a power over you.

I couldn't sit and listen and enjoy an hour long symphony from the orchestra. Sometimes even a 20 minute piece from one of the wind bands had me anxious. It wasn't until coming to Italy that I realized why I had suffered from "when will it be over?!" syndrome.

Personally, it was because I always felt there was something else I could be doing. Practicing, homework, the all important laying in your bed letting your brain breathe. As a music education major you are conditioned to feel like you should always be busy and that if you aren't thinking about how busy you are, then you aren't busy enough.

My favorite thing to tell people back in the States is that this is the Senior Year Semester I never would have gotten if I had stayed at Ithaca College. Pros and cons to everything, I know, but for once I feel like I am enjoying everything I'm doing...and how often can we say that?

My chamber group includes going to see pretty much any concert we can. Recently we attended a concert featuring a Ravel piano concerto and Beethoven VII. On top of that, earlier in the week I had also gone to La Scala with a free ticket provided by the school. The program featured singers from conservatories all over Milan singing various arias from all different kinds of operas.

It was early on that I realized I was really present at these performances. Not looking at my watch every five minutes or counting how many pieces were left until the end of the concert. Being here has brought a sense of informed relaxation: that it's okay to be in the moment and hold off on what you have to do later. I find myself truly enjoying the orchestra and listening to a symphony or concerto means more to me now than before.

And then there is the performance aspect.

I don't know if I would have gotten over my fear of performing if you'd just put me in a room with people who don't speak the same language as me but I think it's a little more than that. For three and a half years I dreaded (literally) playing by myself, even in lessons I would have severe anxiety. I battled those feelings by performing a senior recital in the fall but nothing goes away all at once and I still felt nervous at the idea. Well, last week I performed an accompanied solo in front of a real live audience and it was only shortly before hand that I realized what I was about to do.

Do I think that Ithaca is bad and that it's the college's fault for making me an anxious wreck for four years? No, I really don't. I love my horn professor and praise him for putting up with two years of tears in every single lesson. I think that I learned a lot and needed a change to be able to apply myself. Not everyone is like this. For me, I didn't know being here was what I needed for my playing until I got to Italy.

I suppose a few points from all this could be 1.) you are most likely not the only one who feels the way you do 2.) you don't need to know everything about classical music to enjoy it 3.) sometimes you just need to try something in a different way to make what you've learned click.